Four Shaves and a Haircut
by Animegx43
Summary: Lumpy plus scissors equals bad! How will his stupidity bring problems to him his customers, and his hair salon?   A HTF oneshot.


Happy Tree Friends in: Four shaves and a haircut

Staring: Lumpy and The Mole.

Featuring: Flaky, Pop and Cub, mime, Splendid and Cro-Marrot.

* * *

In Happy Tree town, whenever anyone needs a haircut or their hair styled, they come to the town's Hair salon! And the ones that they come to is one of the  
two employees there. The Mole, and Lumpy. It's unknown how their salon is still in business.

The first customer of the day is someone who has hair growing from their head and down to their feet, effectively cover his/her whole body in yellow hair. Luckily,  
Lumpy was up to the job. He took out two pairs of scissors, one in each hand, and...

Snip snip snip snip snip snip snip snip  
snip snip snip snip snip snip snip snip...

Lumpy was able to cut off all of the extra hair in 5 seconds flat. And also reveal that he was cutting Cuddles's hair.

"Ha ha ha ha ha. I can see!" Cuddles says happily before leaving.

After he was finished with Cuddles, Lumpy turned to see what the Mole was doing. He was unfortunate to having to give a hair cut to the ice encased Cro-Marrot.  
The Mole takes out his sissors, tries to snip, but being blind, he doesn't realize that the "wall" he's hitting is Cro-Marrot's ice.

"Ho ho ho ho ho." Lumpy chuckles, making fun at The Mole's poor start

Ding ding.

The next customer comes in. And of all people in the word, it's the scared-of-everything-especially-razor-sharp-scissors Flaky. Nervous from not knowing what will happen  
next, she slowly makes her way up to an unoccupied barber chair.

"Hello!" Lumpy says with a smile.

The second she saw Lumpy, she knw that "Lumpy + scissors = run like hell." She tries to run away, but Lumpy picks her up, while she tries to  
resist, and gently places her back on the chair.

"What will it be?" Lumpy asks. "Haircut? Shave? Trim? Re-style? Shave? French fires? Burger? Milkshake?" It's then that Lumpy remembers that he's a barber,  
not someone who sells fast food. "Shave?

"You said shave three times!"

"Okay." So Lumpy pulls out giant straight razors, getting the wrong idea from Flaky. Another name they're known as, which Flaky knew well, are cut-throat razors.

"GWAAAAAH! NO!" She screams. "I JUST WANT MY HAIR WASHED!"

"Oh." Lumpy says, not realizing that she didn't come tom get anything cut off. Nor has he even realized that there's nothing on Flaky's face that he could  
even had shaved off anyway. All that he wanted was to try out his cut-throat razors. "Okay!"

So Lumpy pulls on a lever, unfolds the chair to become flat, and leads Flaky's head into the swashing sink. Lumpy takes a good look at her hair and  
notices just how bad her dandruff really is. Luckily, Lumpy enjoys a challenge, so he's up to the job.

As he fills up the sink with hot water, he turns the shelves to see which shampoo. He avoids grabbing the shampoos labeled "Dandruff", "Dandruff extra",  
and chooses to use "Dandruff: The Good Stuff".

"Mmm, Hmm!"

After pouring a handful of shampoo into his palm and begins cleaning out Flaky's hair of her dandruff. As Flaky closes her eyes and falls asleep from  
being relaxed, Lumpy scrubs and scrubs her to the skelp. And after a minute of scrubing and washing, he pulls his hands out to use more shampoo. Unfortunately...

"GAH!"

Lumpy's hands have practically been destroyed, what with being skewered by Flaky's long, sharp quils. And as he looks into the sink, he realizes that  
the blood he lost has turned the sink water ompletely red. Flaky has her eyes closed, so luckily, she hasn't noticed yet.

Lumpy quickly notices how the bloody wateralmost the same exact colour as her quils. So...

* * *

"WOW!" Flaky says as she looks in the mirror, seeing how beautiful her now "blood" red hair(quils) have become.

Lumpy, meanwhile, is bandaging is greatly damaged hands due to the hair treatment.

"Thank you!" Flaky says as she hugs Lumpy. Then she leaves the shop.

When she steps out and walks off, she happens to meet up with Flippy, who's waiting for a bus.

"Check it out!" She says as she spins to show off her new hair.

Sadly, Flippy can tell the difference between blood and red hair. His eyes turning yellow is the biggest proof of that.

* * *

Lumpy finally manages to banbage up his injured hands, letting out his famous "mmm hmm" in the progress. While admiring his fixed hands  
he doesn't notice that outside, Flippy is chasing Flaky around with a large butcher knife.

He does however notice that The Mole is STILL not done with Cro-Marrot's haircut. With the electric razor, all that's getting shaved is ice.

"OH, HO HO HO HO HO!" Laughs Lumpy, who doesn't seem to be hearing Flaky screaming outside. Nor does he hear Flippy trying to shoot her with a pistol.

Ding Ding!

But he does hear the next customer coming in.

The bear duo, Pop and Cub have entered the salon, with Lumpy greeting them warmly.

"My boy needs a little trim! Can you do it?"

"Mmmm...okay!"

So Lumpy picks up his young little customer and takes him to a barbor chair while Pop grabs a magazine and sits down. Amazingly, none of them  
had seen how exactly Flaky, who's still outside with Flippy, had managed to take his gun away and reversed her situation.

After putting Cub on a chair with 3 phonebooks, Lumpy now has to give Cub his haircut. Normally, this would be easy. But thanks to Flaky, Lumpy has  
to do it with injured hands. He tries to pick up a small pair of scissors, but because of how he banaged his hands, there's no way he can use his fingers,  
making it impossible to use scissors. So Lumpy has to try and find another way to cut Cub's hair.

"AH, HA! Here we go!"

Lumpy decides to make use of a large set of hedge trimmers! Since they're so big, Lumpy just have to hold each handles with his thumbs and whatever  
fingers he has sticking out. But it's still tricky to use.

"Now stay perfectly still!" He tells Cub.

"la lala la! Ah, ha la!"

Lumpy gently places the trimmers over the hair he wishes to cut, slowly closes the trimmers to hone in onto the hair, focusing completely on the hair, and...

SNIP.

"GLAH!"

SPLAT.

Dispite being extremely careful, Lumpy ends up chopping off Cub's head, casuing instant death.

"AAHH!" Shrieks Lumpy.

Luckily, Pop hasn't noticed what happened yet. So Lumpy has a chane to fix this. So he quickly looks around to try and find something  
helpful. When he finally sees something, he lets out a "ah ha!", and gets to work.

* * *

After a long wait on Pop's end, Lumpy finally inform him that Cub's haircut is finished.

"AH! Looking good, boy!"

He's looking at his son and only notices the hair trim he got and not the blood coming out of Cub's mouth. He also doesn't  
realized that Lumpy has used his extra bandages to take Cub's decapitated head back to his body.

After Pop picks up Cub from the chair, he leaves the salon. He puts Cub on the ground, expecting him to walk himself. But being nothing  
more then a dead body now, Cub just falls face first onto the ground.

"Aww! He's so cute when he's asleep." Pop says as he picks Cub back up. Then he and his dead boy walks home.

* * *

Do to some rather clever work, Lumpy has managed to wrap up his hands in bandages while allowing him to use his fingers again.  
And he finishes it in perfect time, because he hears a new customer coming in.

Ding ding.

Literally come flying through the door is great hero of the Happy Tree Friends, the mighty Splendid. Lumpy takes immidiate notice of his arrival.

"Welcome! Welcome!" Greets Lumpy.

"Thank you. I, Splendid..." He Pauses for a second to sign an autograph for Sniffles and Toothy, who came out of nowhere. "Require  
a haircut. I Can't fight evil with a bad hair day!"

"Okey Dokey!" Says Lumpy.

So Splendid sits down at the chair, pulls out a magazine, and begins waiting for his haircut. Lumpy walks over with a pair of scissors, takes a snip, and...

SNAP!

Lumpy's scissors breaks.

"Whoops."

So Lumpy throws out the broken scissors, pulls out a newer, sharper pair, and...

SNAP!

They broke too. Lumpy has clearly underestimated the strength of the super hero's hair.

"Hmm." Thinks Lumpy. "AHA!"

Then it hits him. Lumpy decided to use the hedge trimmers that he used on Cub earlier, since they have much stronger cutting power.  
SO he picks them up, places it over one long strain of hair, and begins pushing it together with all his might!

SNAP!

Sadly, the trimmers were also no match for the invincible blue hair. So now Lumpy has to think up a new way to cut Splendid's hair.  
After minute of thinking, something Lumpy isn't used to, he figures out the answer. The answer to the question was just two words! Lawn mower.

"Say when it starts to hurt." Lumpy warns.

He drops a large mower on Splendid's head and duck taps it around Splendid's head, so it won't fall off. During all of this, Splendid feels nothing  
as he reads his magazine. With the mower strapped down, Lumpy rips the cord, and...

BUZZ...SHRRRRR...

As the mower mows the flying squirrel's head, Lumpy sees alot of hair coming out, showing that he's finally cutten his hair.  
But when he takes the mower off his head...

"GAAAHH!" Lumpy shouts, when he sees a bald spot made by the mower.

Luckily, Splendid didn't feel a thing, so he's still simply reading. Lumpy runs around the room in a panic, hoping to find something  
to safe his ass again. On the shelves, he managed to find some "Splendid blue" hair colouring. Lumpy's plan was simple now. Paint Splendid's scalp  
blue and hopes he doesn't notice.

* * *

Splendid looks at himself through the mirror and is happy with his new haircut. A much to Lumpy's surprise, he doen't realize that he actually  
has a bald spot on his head. Instead, he shakes Lumpy's hand, and flies out of the salon.

"Whew!" Lumpy said. "That was a close one."

He then turns his attention to the Mole, who's almost done his haircut with Cro-Marrot. But Lumpy is still laughing at the fact  
that it's taking him this long to finish.

Ding Ding!

Lumpy's last customer has come. The customer is the highly talkative and man of detail (not), Mime.

"What can I do for you?"

Mime doesn't actually tells Lumpy what he wants. He just points at his antlers, makes a snipping gesture with his hands and sits down.

"Pardon?"

Again, Mime just points at his antlers with scissors gestures, although not meaning to give Lumpy poor instructions. Since Lumpy doesn't want  
to look stupid, he pretends to know what it is that Mime and accepts the job.

"Hmmm." Says Lumpy, who's still not sure what to do.

Being in doubt, he decides that he should do what he thinks is the most responsible thing to do! And that is...

SNIP SNIP

To simply cut off the antlers.

"Ta-da!"

Quickly looking in the mirror, Mime sees what Lumpy had just done. He deosn't actually scream, be he does pretend to.

"Love it?"

Mime, upset with what just happened, goes up to Lumpy's face and says...

"... ... ... ... ... ... ...! ... ... ... ...! ... .. ... ... ..."

And Lumpy is standing there, feeling a combination of fear...and confusion.

"What?"

Ding Ding.

Then the situation turns from bad to worst. Flaky, Pop and Splendid all returned to the salon. And all three of them are pissed.

"What did you do to my hair?" Asked Flaky.

"Where did my hair go?" Asked Splendid.

"What did you do to my kid's head?" Asked Pop.

"... ... ... .. ... ...?" Asked Mime.

"Ww-ww-wa-wait a second!" Lumpy says.

But the mob was to angry to wait. They all slowly approached Lumpy, who were ready to pound him into the ground. Lumpy tries to run, but slips  
and falls over. And what he stands back up, the angry mob sees that somehow, he gets a blowdryer shoved up his mouth.

"Mhhh, mhhh, mhhh , mh mh!"

Pop, who sees the opportunity, turns on the blowdryer. The hot air slowly fills up Lumpy's empty head, causing it to get bigger and bigger and bigger and big...

BOOM!

Lumpy's head finally inflatesto the point that it explodes, thus ending the barborshop of horror. And with no more other reason to stay, Splendid, Flaky, Pop and  
mime all leave and to get on with their lives.

And while all of the excitement was going on, The Mole, at long last, has finished Cro-marrot's haircut. Despite being no damage on the  
ice, Cro-Marrot now has a well cleaned bowl cut with his bangs almost out of his eyes, and while it's hard to tell, he is very please with how  
well his haircut went.

* * *

Moral: Perfection takes time.


End file.
